Oh, it's exhausting.
But uplifting!
That's Razorlight with Kirby's house, and before that you heard Athlete with 24 hours.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM, except it's... I'm sorry about this, but it's just me this week.
Adam.
There's no Joe.
He's gone.
I got an email earlier this week.
Just yesterday, in fact, saying, hi, Ad.
Listen, I've got to go out to L.A.
over the weekend to have a meeting about this script I'm writing.
So can you do the show?
I obviously thought that was it.
It was a kind of joke, a sort of sick joke at the expense of, you know, maybe my career or our career.
It turns out to be true.
And he's really having a meeting in L.A.
about a film.
I mean, for God's sake, I don't know what the film's about, but it can't be very good.
I think the whole thing's a bit off, to be honest with you, because I've taken time off from this show before and Joe's covered for me solo.
But the only thing I ever did was, like, go to a wedding or a music festival.
I didn't have any meetings in LA about films.
I just think that he's kind of shoving something in my face there.
Anyway, I hope it's going well for you, Joe, and, um, I'm really happy to be here on my own, and I'll do my best, but obviously it's a bit disappointing.
You know, when you tune- if you're a regular listener, you watch a show or you listen to a show, you tune in, and there's a key component of that program missing, your heart sort of sinks, and you think, oh, no!
It's not going to be as good.
But, listen, stick with it.
I'm going to do my best for you.
I sympathise with that feeling, incidentally.
It's like when you tune into Jonathan Ross on Radio 2 and you hear Mark Lamarr's voice coming out and you think, oh, God.
And then it's even worse if it's Mark Steele there as well.
You just think, oh, for goodness' sake, that's the end of my Saturday.
Anyway, in honour of the fact that Joe isn't here, I'm going to do a kind of Tony Blackburn-style weepy playlist.
Yeah, I've got a few free plays.
All of them are about being lonely or being alone.
OK, but they're good, lonely and alone songs, right?
Don't worry about it.
Um, and we've got some great music, as usual.
How do you pronounce this?
Guillemots?
Guillemots.
Guillemots.
What does Guillemots mean?
Oh, Guillemots.
I don't... I'm not... I wasn't good at French.
I don't know.
Guillemots.
I suppose it's something to do with words, isn't it?
M-O-M-O-T-S meaning words in French, and guille presumably being something... It says underneath Guillemots.
Guillemots.
I don't... I'm the last person you should ask.
Gill in Malts.
Yes, it is actually transcribed in phonetic underneath.
Trains to Brazil.
That's the one we're going to be playing shortly.
And a bit of Block Party we've got coming up for you.
Anyway, loads of good music.
Plus, you know, we've got competitions.
Don't think just because Joe Cornish isn't here, everything grinds to a halt.
Oh, no, I've got a competition.
I've got celebrity regression therapy.
I might have to hypnotise myself for celebrity regression therapy, but we'll work it out somehow.
And I think... And we've got Ditties in the Dock, as usual, this week.
You know, I'll be putting up both the, uh, the tracks myself, and I'll be arguing with myself about which one to play.
But, uh, don't worry about it.
It's more or less what my life is like normally.
I talk to myself, I argue with myself, and I hate myself, uh, to a certain degree.
So, uh, it's business as usual here on XFM.
So let's play some music, and, uh, this is Block Party.
Oh, it's not Block.
There we go.
You see, I'm- it's no problem.
I'm still pressing the wrong buttons.
It's business as usual.
Ricky and Steve
don't uh don't hesitate to get in touch 0 8 7 1 2 2 2 1 0 4 9 and you can talk to uh lovely lila who's our regular producer here on the show give us a shout out lila
This is like, see this is what happens when you haven't got your friends with you.
You revert to very bad radio mode.
And Adam, hello, Adam's helping us out this week.
Say hi.
Hello.
Exciting.
So it's kind of the Adam, Adam and Lila show this week.
You know, I was getting so desperate just while Block Party was playing there.
that I started getting Adam to find out interesting facts on the internet that I could read out.
That's how- that's what happens, you see, is you revert to a really bad impression of a radio show.
So I got him to find out why apples go brown, cos I was eating an apple, it was going brown and- oh Christ.
And the reason apples go brown is cos they've got- what was it?
I am containing cells.
I am containing cells.
This is going well, isn't it?
Also, uh, Gilemots, right?
You don't care.
I know you don't care what Gilemots are, but I'm going to play a song by a band called Gilemots right now.
So, uh, you know, I asked and people told me kindly, they're birds, all right?
Er... they... what was the interesting fact?
The Guillemot lays a single pear-shaped egg on their nesting ledge.
The pear shape means the egg rolls in a tight circle so it will not roll off the Guillemot's narrow ledge.
See if you can figure out what that has to do with this song by the band of the same name.
Here's Guillemot's with trains to Brazil.
Gosh.
That's extraordinary.
Trains to Brazil from Guillemots.
There's a lot going on there, isn't there?
It started to swing halfway through and then it carried on swinging and, uh, boy, I bet Robbie Williams likes that, um, the swinging and everything.
I'm not so sure about that level of swinging, though.
Still, it's intriguing.
You couldn't take an album of that swinging, though, could you?
Of that insane swinging?
Anyway, uh, someone
Texted in or emailed in and they wanted to know about my phone obviously last week I lost my phone and it threw me off quite badly.
I came in and I was really You know disoriented Disorientated discombobulated.
I don't know Anyway, it was really awful and it just it just made me think I'll know what am I gonna do?
my whole weekend is ruined now and I can't have any fun and I
It threw me into a terrible misery.
But Alex Zane, who was on the show before, had the genius idea of sending a text to my phone that said, if you find this phone, please call this number for a cash reward.
OK, didn't specify what the cash reward was, just so I could get out of having to give someone a lot of money if they did find it.
But I just thought, well, what are the chances of anyone actually finding that?
So anyway, as soon as I left the radio show last weekend, I went to Victoria Street and went to the mobile phone shop.
and did all the business of trying to cancel my account and get a new phone and it was a nightmare.
Why do they only hire like the stupidest people in the entire world to work at shops where you really need fast efficient service, you know?
Where it would really help your life a great deal if you actually had someone intelligent to talk to and instead you've got these barely conscious school leavers mumbling at you and stuff.
Can you, what sort of, how many, how often will you use the phone?
I don't know, I just, I want a phone.
Can you give me a phone?
I'll pay for it.
How many texts do you set?
I don't know, I'm not really a big texter.
What sort of rate were you on?
I don't know what rate I was on, I just want a phone and I want it now and I'm gonna kill you if you don't give me one.
I actually lost my temper with one guy and then found a much nicer girl in the O2 shop who was very helpful.
But still, I was there for a couple of hours.
It was a nightmare.
And then, anyway, when I got home, I found there was a message on my answering machine from a guy who had found my phone and had called the number, just as Alex Zane predicted would happen.
It was amazing.
But what a jerk.
I should have just checked my phone, you know, checked my answering machine first to see if anyone had found it rather than actually going out.
and buying a new phone and cancelling the other account.
Anyway, it was kind of a nightmare.
But at least I got my phone back and I did get it hooked up again.
I just got my old account back, cancelled the new one, didn't have to pay for it, but it took a really long time and I had to speak to a lot of very stupid people to arrange it.
A lot of people I owed to.
Um, yeah, I just- I need to cancel my- this, uh, account that I just set up.
Yes, uh, maiden name, okay, right, do all that.
Okay, thank you very- And once they're satisfied that it's really you, once you've been to the- through the security procedure, then you get the exciting- Thanks very much, yeah.
Thank you very much, Mr. Box, for speaking today.
How may I help you today?
And then, wow, you're through.
He's actually using your name.
And then you can start the negotiations.
Oh, it's miserable.
Anyway, I found it, so it all ended happily.
And Alex Zane is a kind of genius.
And now what I've done is I've printed out with Dymo tape.
You remember Dymo tape, right?
I've printed out with Dymo tape, if you find this phone, please call this number for cash reward.
And I've stuck it on the back of my phone, so everything's covered now.
And the guy, the best thing about the whole thing was the look on the guy's face when I gave him the reward.
You know?
I gave him 20 quid.
Is that quite mean?
It's a bit mean, isn't it?
You were on telly.
Well, I know, but I really don't make... I haven't been on telly for a long time.
I don't make that much money.
Do you remember the radio?
Yeah, but I don't make any money from this.
Do you mind trying to say the person's name so they get a name check?
Well, I don't know if he was an XFM listener, but his name was Tony.
So thanks a lot, Tony.
And Tony was so pleased with his cash reward, he almost, literally, he leaned in to give me a hug, but then he just stopped himself.
And he said, thanks so much, I'm just about to go to a party.
It was the 5th of November, you know, and I basically got him a load of drinks, so he was really happy about it.
So that's a kind of happy story, isn't it?
Now, here's the first of my free plays about being lonely, and this is The Silver Jews.
videos on feeling all right
There you go.
That's the Silver Jews.
Honk, honk.
With honk if you're lonely.
This is Adam on XFM.
Joe's away.
I'm sorry about that this weekend.
So I'm here on my own for the next one and a half hours.
But we're going to have some fun anyway.
It's going to be competition time fairly soon, so stick with it.
But first, here's some ads.
XFM.
XFM.
This is XFM.
That's U2.
I keep raising Joe's fader as well, but he's not here.
It's just me.
U2 with City of Blinding Lights.
This is Adam Buxton flying solo this week on XFM for the next hour and a bit and 25 minutes, whatever.
And we're going to have a competition very shortly after I play this next song by The Like.
I've never heard of The Like, so I'm very excited to hear their song.
And we had a text in from someone saying that Gila Marks apparently is also commonly used to mean quotation marks.
I don't know.
That's probably why they call themselves Guillemots rather than after the bird with the pear-shaped eggs.
I would imagine.
I'm just guessing.
I don't know.
Anyway, um, did you see Peep Show last night, Adam?
Posse?
Peep-Peep Show?
I was, uh, out seeing Chris Addison do stand-up.
Chris Addison doing stand-up.
Wow.
Spoilt for comedy riches you were.
But you missed Peep Show.
It was good.
I'm sorry.
I used to love the old Peep Show.
Well, the new one is just as good as the old one.
If you haven't seen Peep Show, listener, then you should really check it out.
I think I was initially put off.
The first series of Peep Show I found kind of hard work, all the point of view stuff and the fact that everyone in it is slightly creepy in some way.
But actually, the second series was amazing and this third one looks as if it's going to be very good as well.
Produced by Robert Popper, who did Look Around You.
little interesting TV fact for you there he's a new producer on the show and I was pleased as well because they got a crack in about the orange ads at the cinema in there as well which Joe would have been pleased about if he hadn't been in LA taking meetings about his film anyway let's play some music and after this we will have celebrity regression therapy I will be regressing myself into the role of
a mystery Hollywood star and his films, and all you have to do is guess which films they are.
That's coming up after the like.
Lady rock.
That's what I say and what I mean by the like.
This is XFM.
I'm Adam Buxton and it's competition time right now.
It's celebrity regression therapy this week and I am going to regress myself.
This has never been done as far as I'm aware.
I don't believe anyone has ever regressed themselves live on air before.
So it's an exciting first for you listeners this week.
I'm going to regress myself into the mind and the films of a famous Hollywood star and you just have to guess who that Hollywood star is and what the three films are that I will regress myself into.
Once you've figured that out, call 0871 222 1049 and we've got some good prizes to give away this week for anyone who gets through and gets it right.
Stuart Lee DVDs, oh yeah.
Stuart Lee's stand-up comedian DVD.
First ever live DVD, it says on the cover.
I might have to nick myself one of these, cos I should think it's extremely good.
He's kind of a genius, Stuart Lee.
And it says, the cleverest, funniest, most cliche-free comedian on the circuit.
Ricky Gervais.
It's got the Gervais endorsement, like Peep Show.
Basically, if you've got the Gervais endorsement these days, you're home free, you know?
It's great.
I think he's endorsing all kinds of things, and all of them are very good.
Jerry Springer, the opera, we've also got on DVD, so you could win a copy of that, as well as Stuart Lee's stand-up comedian DVD, if you can guess who I am regressing myself into right now.
Okay, now I've got to calm myself right down.
Calm down, I'm calming down, and I'm entering a kind of Zen-like trance.
I'm taking myself back, back before I was on TV, when my life was empty and meaningless.
Back before then, before school, before I met Joe Cornish, before I started masturbating, and before everything meaningful in my life happened, I'm now a tiny baby.
I'm a tiny baby.
And now I'm a fetus.
And I'm now entering a trance like Satan.
When I click my fingers, I will wake up.
in the role of a Hollywood star and in the film of one of those stars.
Here I go.
I'm in a room.
It's a white room.
I'm in a white room and judging by the stainless steel knick-knacks in the room and what have you, I would say it was a doctor's office.
Slappy-pappy.
I'm in a real doctor's office and I'm doing some kind of eye test to determine my readiness for the mission.
Oh brother beyond I can't even see half the letters on the board, but I'm gonna I'm gonna uh, you know, keep quiet about it I won't admit that I can't see the letters cuz I'm craggy and I'm proud you got me?
I'm stubborn kinda and craggy like a rock face or some burnt broccoli.
Oh, yeah burnt broccoli.
Okay
Calm down, calm down now.
Just bring yourself out of that state, Adam Buxton.
And when I click my fingers, you will be regressed into another film role of this famous Hollywood actor.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Okay.
Here we go.
I'm in a forest, or what have you, and I'm chasing after someone.
That's something I do a great deal of, as a matter of fact.
I chase a lot of people.
I do it nicely though, you understand me?
I'm craggy, don't get me wrong.
I got a face like burnt broccoli, but I'm basically a nice guy.
This time I'm running around in a forest after the fella that had relations in a lift with the lady from the film that poked fun at Japanese people.
Oh, it's dull, certainly.
It's dull out here, and I'm no stranger to dull.
I've been in more dull situations than you could shake a basket at, but I'm craggy and sympathetic, kinda, so I keep getting myself into those situations.
Okay, I'm coming out of that regression right there, and I'm preparing to enter the final brief regression of this celebrity regression therapy segment here on the show.
I'm gonna click my fingers and enter one last film right now.
I'm in a tunnel with a lesbian.
It's hot.
Slappy pappy.
There we go.
Very short one there.
Tunnel, hot, lesbian.
And that's it.
Now all you have to do is call 08712221049.
If you knew who the actor was that was in those films and what those films were, call now.
We'll be back after these messages.
Love music.
Love XFM.
The Arctic Monkeys.
It was only number one for a week.
Oh, it was a good song, though.
I bet you look good on the dance floor.
This is Adam Buxton on XFM.
Right in the middle of an exciting solo regression therapy.
Now, before the break, I was regressing myself into the films, the three films featured this week of this week's celebrity Hollywood film star.
We've got a couple of people on the line now who think they know who that film star might be and what those films were.
So let's talk to Savvy right now.
Savvy, how you doing?
I'm cool, thanks.
How are you?
I'm cool, too.
Um, and you are a politics student, is that right, Savvy?
Politics student for my sins, yeah.
Okay, good.
And, um, what are you up to this afternoon?
I'm going shopping with my mum in a very cool way.
Whereabouts are you going to go shopping?
I think we're going into Bromley this afternoon.
Nice.
Lovely.
Well, listen, have a good time.
I hope it goes well.
And are you fairly confident about this celebrity regression?
Only because my mum told me.
Your mum?
Is she a kind of genius?
She is a kind of genius and she fancies this person, so... Does she?
Well, funnily enough, so does our producer, Lila.
I don't know what it is, cos he's cranky and he's got a face like burnt broccoli.
Anyway, Savvy, who do you think it is and who do you think the... What do you think the films are?
I think it's Tommy Lee James and I think the films were The Hunted, Men In Black and The Cutative.
Men In Black.
What made you think that was Men In Black or what made your mum think it was Men In Black?
Well, I don't know.
You're not trying very hard to convince me that you're properly engaged in this competition.
I am, I am, really, really.
OK.
I think it is, I don't know, I guessed it was Men in Black.
Well, let's see, let's see if I snap out of my train.
I'm not even going to bother to do that because I'm on my own and it's too complicated.
I can tell you that you're partly correct.
It is Tommy Lee Jones, but it's, there's no Men in Black involved.
But however, you are, what was, what were the other films you said?
the hunted and the fugitive wrong wrong you see you're right on the hunted correct on the hunted the film where he chases Benicio del Toro who is of course the man who was supposed to have had relations with Scarlett Johansson in the lift and apart from that you're you're wrong I'm afraid still savvy you sound nice and you know you're involved in politics and you're trying to make the world a better place so I'm gonna send you Stuart Lee's stand-up comedian DVD and Jerry Springer the Opera anyway okay
How nice is that?
You're lovely.
Thanks very much.
So are you.
Thanks for calling.
Hi.
Now, Michael, are you there?
Hello, mate.
How are you doing?
I'm good, thanks.
Are you in the pub?
No, I'm in the car, actually.
You're in the car.
Good.
No, you should never get the two confused.
It would be a disaster.
Michael, you're a TV editor, is that right?
Like a VT editor?
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
What sort of shows do you edit?
I'm working on a place in the sun at the moment.
Are you really?
I am.
You know what, my sister-in-law works on a place in the sun.
No, what's her name?
Harriet.
No, I don't know her.
No, she's very attractive.
Of course she is.
If I wasn't married to her sister, I'd try and marry her.
Anyway, Michael, so you know it's Tommy Lee Jones, right?
Yeah.
And do you know what the films are?
I'm guessing it's space cowboys space cowboys correct the eye test you remember that the classic eye test scene with him and Clinton all the rest of the old farts Absolutely Did you see that film I did yes quite boring yes very bad very disappointing And what was the other one the lesbian in the tunnel?
Volcano.
Volcano.
It's that great scene where they're trapped in the sewers and there's lava coming up pumping through the sewers and he's there with Anne Heche, who I sort of rather unkindly and pathetically described simply as a lesbian.
Of course there's more to her than that.
She's a Nazi lesbian.
Anyway, that's absolutely correct.
Congratulations, Michael.
Thank you.
Wow, who's cheering in the car?
That's my friend in the car.
Excellent.
What's the name of your friend?
Simon.
He rang through as well with the answers, but he didn't get through.
Unlucky.
Tough luck, Simon.
Well, listen, maybe you and Simon can share out the DVD booty.
You've got Stuart Lee, stand up comedian and Jerry Springer, the opera on its way to you.
Thanks very much indeed for phoning, Michael.
Cheers.
What are you up to this weekend?
Um, funnily enough, I'm just going to sit down for a Tommy Lee James triple bill.
No, what are you saying?
Those very free films, that's how we knew the answer.
Well, have a fantastic time.
I will do.
And thanks very much indeed for your call.
There you go.
Celebrity solo regression therapy.
I don't think I'll do that again.
It's too complicated on my brain.
It hurts.
Now I'm gonna play another free play.
This is my second lonely free play this week.
And you can't really do lonely free plays without playing this one.
This will take us into the second hour here on XFM.
This is Adam Buxton and this is the police.
Yeah, that's the police with Sue Lawley.
That was a joke that Adam made.
Not me, Adam.
Adam, who helps us out on the show.
There you go, Adam.
I admit that it was your joke.
Sue Lawley.
Made me laugh.
Anyway, this is Adam Buxton.
I'm on my own this week because Joe Cornish is in Los Angeles.
He says he's having a meeting about his film.
I don't know if I believe him.
We'll ask him next week if it was all true anyway.
Second hour, coming up, we've got some more fantastic music.
I did a kind of mashup of Franz Ferdinand and this track that sounds exactly like their single, Walk Away.
I'm sure you know what it is already.
But I kind of did it in honour of Joe's mash-up that he did a few weeks ago of, um... What was it?
What's their other single called?
The one that sounded exactly like Go West.
Do you do you wanna?
Do you do you wanna?
And Joe mashed it all up right with Go West.
It was wicked and, um, it was like, totally blew everybody's mind, right?
So I tried to do the same thing cos I'm a bit of a loser in that way.
Anyway, that's all coming up in the next hour.
I'll be right back.
Love music, love XFM
you
Yeah, deal with that.
Jenny was a friend of mine, that's the killers.
This is Adam Buxton on XFM.
I'm here on my own this week because Joe's away and so I'm on my own and I'm playing lots of songs Tony Blackburn style in honor of the fact that Joe's away and I miss him and I'm alone.
I'm going to be playing the third of my
Lonely free plays very shortly, but first I want to play my mashup Yeah of Fred and Ferdinand and the model by Kraftwerk.
It sounds the same, you know, first of all first you had the Single do do you wanna do you do you wanna?
Which actually Joe more than myself was convinced sounded exactly like go West's we close our eyes did Sam quite I mean the riff was more or less the same
They go elsewhere with it.
And this one as well, you know, does some different things.
It's not exactly like the model, but I'm telling you, it's the same tempo, and they fit together pretty well.
I mean, I did a fairly crude mashup, yeah, because I've not really got a lot of mashup skills, and I haven't got like the mashup software, right?
So I just did my best with what I had.
But it wasn't too difficult to make them fit together fairly well.
You know, if there's any professional mashers out there,
I would really enjoy receiving a proper mashed up version of these two songs.
If you send it in to us, I'd be happy to play it.
It's gotta be good though, okay?
This is my version right now, see what you think.
And tell me that these songs don't sound the same.
I love the sound of you walking away, you walking away From the scar of leads now blackened
yeah yeah come on they're quite similar aren't they they fit together like um a couple of um bits of a jigsaw that fit together really well anyway yeah so i'm serious you know if anyone does want to uh do a proper good mashup job on that i think that's how children speak these days isn't it yeah
OK, good.
Then, um, please go ahead and do that and send it in to us here at XFM.
What's the address?
Why are you giggling, Lila?
It's just, like, that's how kids speak, like that now.
Well, I'm quite old.
I've got to check how kids speak, cos I don't really know.
I've got kids, obviously, but they don't... Oh, like that with your hand.
Go, like, what?
Flick your top...
Right, right.
That's like the guy in Halfords I saw this week.
I went to get a new car stereo, and Halfords in Brixton, I don't know if you're familiar with Halfords in Brixton, anyone, but it's not very good.
Like, it's always empty, and I can't figure out, like, I've always wondered, like, is it empty because, uh, you know, but they never have any staff there, basically.
You have to hang around for ages.
if you want any help whatsoever with anything and I'm always thinking like have they just not got many staff on because it's empty or is it empty because they haven't really got enough staff on and people are fed up of just going in there and not being served for five hours and so I went and hung around the stereo section for ages no one was there and I was kind of looking around hopefully and then this guy kind of sidles up and I assumed that he was also in the market for a stereo
he was looking very casual and didn't seem to have any sort of Alford's uniform on.
So I didn't say anything to him and he didn't say anything to me.
And then after a while he just goes, your car will help you.
So I was like, oh right, yeah, yeah, I wanna buy one of those iPod friendly stereos for my car.
He goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we got none, we ain't got none.
I said, really?
And he said, yeah, no, we haven't got one.
I'll check for you.
So he goes over to his computer very reluctantly and taps away on his computer for about ten minutes or something.
And then he goes, yeah, yeah, we have got one.
I said, right, could I, could I buy it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said, can you, er, can you install it?
No.
We do normally, but no, no.
Can't do it, cos it's, it's just me here today, you know, so it's... Right, er, we can do it next week, maybe, you know.
Friday or Saturday we do the iPod ones, you know.
By that time I just got very angry.
I just left.
But I'm pretty sure, I don't know if that was an off day for Halfords Brixton.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Anyway, I digress.
I'm going to play another lonely classic right now.
This is Bob Dylan.
We were talking about the fact that we don't feel there's enough Bob Dylan on XFM.
And this is a lovely track from a classic Bob Dylan album, Blood on the Tracks.
This is You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.
Not too many songs on the XFM playlist, name checking for lanes and Rambo.
Not Sylvester Stallone, the poet.
Oh, I don't know.
That was Bob Dylan with You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go.
He's Adam Buxton on my own this week on XFM.
Joe Cornish is away.
I'm gonna just stop talking about that now because you know he's away and I'm gonna sound as if I'm obsessed.
or something just because he's having a meeting in LA about this film.
I couldn't care, to be honest.
Why would you care about the film and the meeting and being in LA?
I don't care at all.
couple of bit of housekeeping things I was gonna say I was gonna give out an address for if anyone ever wanted to send us mashups or whatever you like you send us what you want I don't care nude nude pictures that kind of thing why not what no nude pictures
You're married, you have children.
I know, that's the whole point of nude pictures.
They can send them to me, I will then, I will then, you know, screen them for you.
Yeah, all right then.
Well, I don't want nude men pictures, though.
Anyway, what's the address?
Uh, the address, I should actually... I don't know, but that might be a bit better.
Oh, it's XFM.
XFM.
30 Leicester Square.
Yeah.
London, WC2H7LA.
WC2H7LA.
H, H. H. No, I like it.
Did you used to say H from Steps?
Oh, I never talked about Steps.
What?
I hate Steps.
Why?
Apart from- Oh, no, that was- All the ABBA, all the- That was Escarp.
I just realised I got them confused.
I mentioned H from Steps in my, er, celebrity round-up report.
I've done a kind of celebrity report thing.
Lyla, are you excited to hear it?
I thought because Joe was away I might be able to bring in some things that didn't exactly get vetoed but things that he didn't seem very excited about and I always wanted to do like a celebrity report thing on this show okay and I remember pitching the idea to Joe and to Carl as well who you know was producing Ricky's faces show and Carl just looked appalled about the idea Carl doesn't like anything
No, he just sort of shook his head and goes, oh, that's not going to work.
No, no, no.
You can't have, like, sketches right in the middle.
No, it doesn't work.
People don't like it.
So he may well be right, but that's not going to stop me playing it.
You've got about half an hour till Ditty's and Doc, so we can talk about it.
Yeah, OK.
Right, music.
Here are the White Stripes with the Denial Twist.
If you think that a kiss is on the lips, come on.
You got it all wrong, man.
But you were hearing a different song.
Wow.
That's the White Stripes with the denial twist.
Had some friends who went to see them at Crystal Palace this week.
Is it Crystal Palace?
Alexandra Palace.
And apparently they were spectacular.
Very good.
And my friends went backstage as well.
I met Jack and Meg.
Said they were really fantastically nice.
And Meg was extraordinarily attractive.
Which I can believe.
I've got quite a soft spot for Meg.
And pale, says Lila.
on a post-it she is pale uh that's i like that i like pale girls um anyway that sounds quite creepy doesn't it okay that was the white stripes and uh this is adam buckston on xfm uh we'll be back after these uh adverts
XFM.
Yep, yep.
That's the Dead Sixties with Riot Radio.
This is Adam Buxton on XFM.
So I ran my little sketch there, my celebrity gossip sketch, past Lila.
Sort of played it to her.
Didn't go down that well.
She didn't really laugh.
She started giving me practical suggestions for how it could be improved.
And that's when you know you're in trouble.
That's my job.
I know, I know, but if you had sort of been doubling up laughing and going, that's great, you've got to play that, then obviously it would have been a lot easier just to play it.
But instead you went into professional mode.
And that for me was a vote of no confidence.
But that's fine.
Don't worry.
I think you saved me from myself in that situation.
I was just a bit nervous about coming in on my own.
I thought I should arm myself with some prerecorded stuff.
But, um, maybe I won't play it this week.
Now, we're gonna do Ditties in the Dock fairly shortly, but I've still got a couple of bits and pieces to give away, so maybe I should ask people to phone in, uh, with some very tenuous kind of, uh, competition idea.
I don't know about competition, but I was thinking...
People could, uh, phone in and talk to me about who they have annoyed this week.
Like, you know, as much as you don't want to annoy people, if you're a normal person, it's inevitable every week that you will just annoy one or two people.
Uh, this week I annoyed- generally I annoy people apart from just being myself and I'm probably annoying a few people right now just by existing.
Uh, but apart from that, I annoy people a lot when I'm on my bike.
And I try and be a safe cyclist, you know, and stick to the rules of the road, cause I don't wanna- there's a lot of horrible, jerky cyclists out there, and I don't want to be like one of them.
But with the best will in the world, every now and again, I- I sort of pull out in front of someone or behave like a bit of a jerk.
and then I get some really annoyed looks, you know?
People just hate me, the hate that comes off them when I do something bad on a bike, which I totally sympathise with.
Bad cyclists are the worst because they're totally, oh, they're awful, they're arrogant, and they're dreadful, and so I completely sympathise.
But, yeah, I annoyed some people this week, a couple of motorcycle guys.
It was a sort of a mixed blessing, really, cos I thought, well,
You know, you hate me, but then I hate you because you're a motorcycle guy and they're a whole separate problem as well.
Anyway, give me a call if you've annoyed someone, not deliberately, okay?
I don't want, like, deliberate annoyers to call in.
But if you annoyed someone by accident and you sort of felt bad about it, maybe give me a call, 08712221049.
I'd like to hear how you annoyed that person and what you did to annoy them.
And, you know, if it's nice talking to you, I'll reward you with some stuff.
So I've got some more Stuart Lee DVDs to give away, and I'd be happy to send one to you if you are sufficiently engaging.
0871-222-1049.
Now I'm going to play the final of my three plays about loneliness, and it's another lonely classic.
It's Al Green.
That's Al Green with Tired Of Being Alone.
I'm playing that in honor of Joe Cornish.
He would have liked that song if he was here.
But he's not.
He's in L.A.
and he'll be back next weekend.
Now, I'm going to talk to a couple of people right now who tell me that they've been annoying people this week.
I want to find out why and how.
Sarah, are you there?
Hi, I am.
How are you doing, Sarah?
I'm good.
Who have you been annoying?
My boyfriend.
In what way?
and I just keep pretending to miss seeing him deliberately.
So much fun.
Like, can you give me an example?
Yeah, we were cooking the other night and he kept burning things and he asked me quickly for the fry pan and I stood there looking stupid going, wok?
And he goes, the fry pan?
I said, wok?
And he goes, the fry pan?
I went, wok?
Until it actually did drive him quite mad.
I can understand.
Did he just get very angry with you and walk out or did he start to shove you or anything?
He looked really straight faced at me and went, that's really annoying.
And I went, oh no.
how long have you been going out together about a year and a half it's that difficult stage isn't it where you feel as if things are sufficiently solid that you can start doing things like that whenever he says oh you look really nice in that top i'll be like sorry i said you look really nice in that top i'll be like sorry he's like you just want me to keep saying that don't you wow you should be careful sarah and did you have you started doing all this recently or is this something you always did with him about the year mark you start with this
Yeah.
So he's dealt with six months of this kind of behavior.
Yeah.
You're testing him.
Are you very attractive?
Sorry?
Are you extremely attractive?
Sorry?
Oh, yeah.
She's doing it to me.
That's okay.
You're pretty annoying.
I'm assuming that you are extremely attractive and that's why he's putting up with it.
But I want to give you some advice from a man.
Don't do it very much more.
Okay.
Because it'll end in tears.
So thanks very much indeed, Sarah, for calling in.
You are certainly quite annoying in that way, and I sympathise with your boyfriend.
And as a reward for him, I'm going to send you Jerry Springer the Opera on DVD.
Oh, wow, thanks.
Hope you enjoy it.
It's a smash.
They tried to ban it.
It's very misunderstood, Jerry Springer the Opera.
There are loads of people getting up in arms about it because they are determined to find it blasphemous in a way that it's not really intended to be.
And I'm just sort of...
Doing a little spiel on behalf of Stuart Lee there, basically.
It's worth seeing.
Anyway, now let's see.
Let's talk to someone else.
Matt, are you there?
Hello, Adam.
How are you doing?
Yeah, very good.
Yeah, very good, thanks very much.
I'm sort of relieved to be in the last 25 minutes.
It's quite nerve-wracking being on my own, you know.
Don't worry, you've got over the worst of it.
Thanks a lot, man.
Now listen, who have you been annoying this week and how?
Well, it was this morning really.
I was getting a bit hungry.
I pulled in and parked illegally whilst I went off to a popular chicken fast food outlet.
And was, you know, being hurried about it and got my food and came back to my car and quite dismayed finding myself getting a ticket now.
I actually applied it.
So I'm thinking, what do I do?
I've got food in one hand and keys in the other.
I thought, um, I'm just going to drive off.
So hopefully he's not going to get into too much trouble, but I'm sure he gets it all the time.
So therefore maybe a little bit more immune to it.
Oh, that's what I hope.
Surely, surely it's already in the system, as they say.
Sorry mate, it's too late, it's in the system.
I don't know, this is what I'm going to go home and find out.
I wouldn't get your hopes up, man.
They're vicious, those guys.
He would have put your number right in the system as soon as he saw it.
As soon as you went for your chicken, he would have swooped down like a vulture, and he would have been popping your... He was definitely hiding out somewhere, waiting for someone to take it.
The thing is, it was half a space in a parking bay, and then half on double yellow lines.
I thought, well, you know, it's 50-50 chance.
Worth a try, certainly.
Worth a try.
Man, that's tough.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I just... They're going to get you.
That's what's going to happen.
No.
They're not taking to my windscreen.
I don't think it applies.
Just because basically it hasn't been served.
You know what?
I admire your optimism, but I'm afraid you're going to get a ticket.
It's only day you have to have optimism.
You know what, you just reminded me of a time, this is not ticket related, but I once locked my bike up outside a shop and went in and did some shopping for half an hour, so came back out and there was a guy stood next to my bike looking absolutely furious.
Basically I had locked my bike and his together by accident.
And, oh, man, he was just apoplectic.
And I said, I was genuinely sorry, cos it must have been awfully infuriating, you know.
And I said, listen, I'm really sorry.
He wasn't having it, though.
He's just spitting.
He wanted so much to swear at me and hit me in the face.
But I was being so... Yeah.
No, I was... I didn't know what to say, really, because he was so angry and I felt really bad.
I said, listen, I'm so sorry.
And I was very weedy about it, so he couldn't really hit me, but, man, he wanted to.
He didn't get £20 then.
No, he didn't.
No, I didn't feel it was worth it.
But, listen, Matt, thank you very much indeed for calling and I really hope you don't get a ticket.
Well, me too, me too.
But I think you probably will.
So, to make amends, we're going to send you Jerry Springer, the opera, on DVD and I hope you enjoy it.
Thank you very much.
Have a good weekend, thanks for calling.
Right now we're going to do Dizzy's in the Dock very shortly, but first we've got to play some more music and, well we don't have to, we want to, because that's what it's all about here on XFM.
And we'll play some more ads and then we'll get right into Dizzy's in the Dock for the last 20 minutes here on XFM.
It is like being in the big castle of eyes or something, I don't really know.
That is Sigur Ros with Hoppipola.
It's hard to figure out if they're singing backwards or if that's just Icelandic.
I think it's Icelandic.
Okay, we'll be back very shortly with Diddy's in the Dock.
This is XFM.
It's time for Diddy's in the Dock this Saturday afternoon here on XFM.
Well, Joe's away, obviously, this week.
I'm here on my own, so I'm going to be battling against myself.
So I've chosen a category that I'm very fond of, very close to my heart.
It is shouting classics, by which I mean sort of guitar-based shouting songs that feature shouting.
And I would like you to vote for
either the Sex Pistols with Substitute.
Now this is a track that turns up on the great rock and roll swindle and it's a blistering cover of the song by The Who.
Substitute your lies for fact, see right through your plastic Mac.
I think, you know, that's the way it stands when the Who play it.
But it sounds different, it sounds angry, much angrier when the Sex Pistols play it.
And I like it as well because it features, I'll play you a little sneaky peek, features this little bit of Johnny Lydon at the beginning saying, You don't need permission for anything.
It's just, you know, that's what it's all about, isn't it, kids?
Yeah, get angry, start shouting, and play some rock guitar.
So, vote for Substitute by the Sex Pistols by calling 08712221049.
Or, you can vote for The Pixies with Planet of Sound.
Now, this is a track that comes from their last album, I think it was, Clomp Le Monde.
Which a lot of people didn't rate very highly.
They thought it was the Pixies selling out or I don't know what they thought.
But I always thought it was a smash.
It's really loud and it's insane and it's got lots of good UFO based songs on it.
And lots of top notch shouting from Frank Black, Francis the second or third or whatever he is.
And it's an absolute peach.
I remember it being reviewed in Smash Hits when it came out.
And Smash Hits gave it no stars, none stars and said this is just an unlistenable noise.
And I thought, well, that sounds good to me.
I want you to vote for Planet of Sound by the Pixies.
Or substitute by the Sex Pistols to play out the show today.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
We'll take the best of five calls to find out who wins.
And either way, I'm a winner as far as I can figure out.
So let's play some more music and we'll come back with some votes.
It's the Sex Pistols or the Pixies here on XFM after this.
Yeah, that's quite good shouting there as well.
Julian Casablancas.
That's The Strokes with Juice Box.
That's the first single to be taken from their forthcoming album, which I believe is out sometime early next year.
Is that right?
Yeah, sometime January the 2nd.
I'm very excited about that.
Anyway, Dizzy's in the Dark.
The choice this week is between Pixies with Planet of Sound and the Sex Pistols with their cover of Substitute.
We've got Richard on the line.
Hey, Richard, how you doing?
Hey, I'm dying from lack of sleep at the moment.
Dying from lack of sleep?
What have you been doing?
One of my flatmates broke a string on my guitar, so I spent all night playing music as loudly in my room as possible to keep him up.
You sound sort of insane.
Yeah, I really love people, you know.
I'm a really likeable guy, as you can tell.
Yeah.
So what?
They broke a string on your guitar, so to punish them, you kept them awake all night.
Yeah, more or less.
You're frightening.
What are you going to vote for?
A smash of pixies.
Pixies.
Come on.
Did you like that last album, Troublemond?
I did.
It's a smash, isn't it?
It is.
Can't argue with the power of the pixies.
Thanks very much, Richard.
And maybe it's time to forgive your flatmates now.
Just a bit of advice.
I'll leave that with you.
Claire, are you there?
Hi.
Yeah, hi.
How are you doing?
All right, thank you.
Good to see you.
Yeah, I'm very well, thank you.
Are you missing Joe?
I am missing Joe, you know?
I mean, it's easy to take Joe for granted in my life, but now he's making that difficult by sort of having lots of exciting career-changing opportunities, which obviously make me slightly insecure and jealous.
Do you think he'll come back to you?
I've no idea, Claire.
It's a very, it's a difficult time for me and Joe.
Hollywood beckons and no one is beckoning me except The pub anyway, what are you gonna vote for?
Yeah, come on, do you know the tray familiar with the track?
Oh
It's a very different kettle of cod, though.
The Who's one is good.
There's no arguing with that, but the Sex Pistols one really is pretty good.
Anyway, thanks for your vote.
Cheers, Claire.
Oh, incidentally, we're sending everyone who calls a copy of Milo's album, Destroy Rock and Roll.
This is a sort of real sleeper.
This has been around for a while, this album, but people are... You what?
Oh, it's just been reissued, has it?
There you go, that's why.
Well it is, it's a good album.
Sort of, you know, chunky, meaty, electronic-y rubbish.
Good though, good rubbish.
Now let's see, James, are you there?
Yep.
How you doing, James?
Not bad, you?
Yeah, very good.
You sound business-like.
No.
No?
I promise.
What are you up to this weekend?
No, I'm in work tomorrow, so I'm gonna take it easy today.
Yeah, what's your job?
Working on a bank.
You work in a bank.
And you have to go in on Sunday.
That's a drag, isn't it?
I thought the whole point of working in a bank was that you wouldn't have to go in on the weekend.
That's what I thought, but I was allowed to.
Yeah.
Well, don't nick anything.
That's such a lame thing to say to someone who works in a bank, isn't it?
Anyway, James, what are you going to vote for?
Is it the Pixies or Sex Pistols?
The Pixies.
Yeah.
Come on.
Are you a fan?
Not really, I just don't like the Sex Pistols, so... That's the lesson to evil.
All right, good one.
Cheers, James, thanks for your call.
So, pixies ahead by one.
We need another vote for the Sex Pistols, otherwise it's all over for John Lydon and his crew.
Jack?
Jack, yeah, hello.
How you doing there?
I'm good, I'm good.
Excellent.
I'm geed up.
Yeah, you geed up?
Well, kind of.
Massive.
And what are you up to this weekend?
Nothing much, really.
I'm going to be writing, writing a lot.
Are you writing something creative or is this writing that you have to do for a course or something?
It's an MA in creative writing, but it's something that I really want to do.
I'm going to write a book.
You're going to write a book?
Wow!
Fiction or non-fiction?
Fiction.
That's fantastic.
Well, listen, if you ever get it finished, send us a copy.
Where?
Well, uh, XFM to... Yeah, it's on the website.
You can find out the address.
Can't they, Lila?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Leicester Square.
XFM Leicester Square.
London will probably do.
That'll probably do it.
XFM Leicester Square.
That's where we are.
Everybody knows the XFM, guys!
Send it along.
Anyway, Jack, let's put people out of their misery.
What are you gonna vote for?
Sex pistols or pixies?
Pixies.
Pixies.
Yes.
They take it.
Thanks very much for your call, Jack.
Thanks indeed as well to everyone that called in.
We don't need the fifth caller because it's all over for the Sex Pistols.
That's a shame.
Listen, I'm going to give you a quick blast of it because it really is good.
You don't need permission for anything.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
That's good stuff.
Angular, crunchy.
Anyway, it's Moot because you voted for the Pixies and you know, you can't go wrong, really.
It's a couple of classic songs.
I'm going to leave you with this one.
It's Planet of Sound.
Thank you very much indeed for listening.
Thanks for calling in.
I'll be back next weekend with Joe Cornish as long as he isn't like having tea with Steven Spielberg.
I love you.
Bye.
We're looking for the broadcaster And when I first talked about This if you told me to leave Was kinda hard to believe Cause there was no one around This ain't the plan of the songs This ain't the plan of the songs This ain't the plan of the songs I had a talented wine
That lack of classical gas Been on the planet of glass And seen me skip into time I got you somewhere renowned For two realms and the color of red Lots of guys that set their heads A ribbon feature a sound, is it the kind of sound?
XSL!